


all of the things you love that i hate

by artemis_sighs



Category: Just Roll With It (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, during arc 2 so spoilers for arc 1 mainly, fake it till ya make it till it doesnt work anymore, hurt comfort maybe???? i dunno, s'aad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:28:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26134219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artemis_sighs/pseuds/artemis_sighs
Summary: br'aad vengolor was sad. he was exhausted, and he hated it just about as much as he hated himself. he hated the stupid tattoos that his previous patron had branded on him, claiming him. he hated the shimmer of purple that he swear he saw everytime he looked in a mirror.
Relationships: Br'aad Vengolor & Everyone, Br'aad Vengolor & Sylnan Vengolor, Mountain & Br'aad Vengolor, Taxi & Br'aad Vengolor, Velrisa & Br'aad Vengolor
Comments: 4
Kudos: 53





	all of the things you love that i hate

**Author's Note:**

> cw for - self hatred , intentional self isolation , mention of sibling death . spoilers for jrwi arc 1 episode 19.
> 
> title from aesthetic? (more like ass-pathetic) by panucci's pizza.   
> twitter: @veng0l0rs

br'aad vengolor was sad. he was exhausted, and he hated it just about as much as he hated himself. he hated the stupid tattoos that his previous patron had branded on him, claiming him. he hated the shimmer of purple that he swear he saw everytime he looked in a mirror. 

of course, no one knew br'aad vengolor was sad. he could perform in his sleep, masking his emotions and true feelings with a sharp-tongued quip, or a stupid pun that resulted in groans from his friends. he'd been doing it since he was a child. why stop now?

they had no reason to know. not like they cared much, anyways. the one time he had tried to open up he was shot down immediately. so when he did get the chance to open up, even if it was to liveclock, who he wasn't even sure could understand him, it felt.. odd. he felt tears slide down his cheeks, something he hadn't felt in years. sylnan's death didn't make him cry - he just felt numb and desperate. 

"this is stupid," he mumbled to liveclock, who listened in silence. he snapped his fingers, wincing at the loud noise as liveclock disappeared and pulling his legs to his chest. br'aad stared into the dark lake in front of him. 

a hand was placed on his shoulder. he flinched, hand darting for the dagger that he carried when he found himself alone at night. velrisa pulled back in surprise, making a small "Oh," when he slipped his dagger out with a trained ease. 

"oh. sorry." he didn't bother with the upbeat voice he was so used to using. too tired. too late. he turned away from her, kicking a rock into the lake. "..how much of that did you hear." 

it wasn't phrased like a question. he didn't care. couldn't. 

"just.. enough. i.." her voice trailed off as she sat down next to him. "i'm sorry, br'aad. i had no idea." 

br'aad chuckled, though it had no humor to it. "not like anyone else did. it's.." _fine? is it, really? it hasn't been fine. you haven't ever been fine, you fucking liar._ "not like anyone else does," he repeated, though much quieter.

he shut down the voice in the back of his head, suppressing it with no difficulty.

velrisa sat in silence, trying to find the right words and failing. br'aad didn't care. she stood up a few minutes later, hesitantly patting br'aad in what he assumed was meant to be comfort. "i'm here for you. just.. know we care, ok?" 

"sure." 

she stood there for a moment, then turned and walked back into the forest. 

he followed her a while after, plastering a fake smile onto his face.

  
the moment he arrived back at camp, he felt the mood shift entirely. his heart ached, numbness wrenching its way back into his gut. 

_your fault_ , the voice said. 

shut up, he responded. the voice obliged. 

sylnan looked away from him in what he assumed was guilt. mountain took a swig from his flask. taxi's eyes held pity. 

he didn't want his pity, nor sylnan's apologies or mountain's words of intended encouragement. so he ignored them. all of them.

"br'aad -" his brother attempted.

"goodnight," he simply said. sylnan reached for his hand. he batted it away and let the smile drop as he opened the flap to his tent. 

no point in pretending if you can't fool anyone anymore. br'aad vengolor fell asleep with no dreams. 


End file.
